^define^

I am not sure I am ready to recieve what I wanted.  If you read the past few posts that I have published on this blog, I have made the comment that I was ready to get into a "routine".  I have made that comment in person to people who asked how I was doing.  I convinced myself that I was tired of not knowing, tired of waiting for answers and ready to get on with getting better.  To an extent, I am.  I want nothing more than to just wake up and get back to work, to that daily routine.  I am not ready for this daily routine though.  The routine of being a cancer patient.  It hurts to type those words even.  I feel my eyes swelling up and a lump grows in my throat just getting those words in text.  With that said, I guess some clarification is needed.  I will not ever allow this to be my normal, no one should.  I found myself this Monday morning waking up as though this is my new life.  Just another start to another week.  More appointments and treatments.  Have I began to treat this as my career?  I am limited in what I can do physically to keep my mind occupied through out the day, just due to nature of type of cancer I have, but still, thats no excuse.  I find myself almost letting the disease drive the bus for a while, which a while back, I thought would be ideal.  Just get into the routine of treatment and go with the flow.  I am not sure thats so much what I need, atleast not sure thats what my mind needs.  No one has to accept cancer, or the diagnosis they are given.  You dont have to look far in any part of society to realize that numbers and stats do lie, or atleast they are not always right.  Maybe they dont lie, but they certainly decieve and mislead.

I am not ready to let anyone else drive this short bus full of crazy besides me.  It may be easier to just sit back and let someone, but that wouldnt be true to character; however a proactive approach, spearheaded by yours truly would seem a bit more true to form.  Now I am not going rewrite any books on medicine, but I'll be damned if I am gonna let this single battle shape and define my life or who I am, no matter how siginifcant this battle is.

There is some question that lingers in my mind as to what my new "normal" will be.  Time will tell.  Thats the new anticipation I suppose.  Before we searched for a diagnosis, then we sought an effective approach to treatment.  Now with those two objectives passified for now, I find my mind wandering to the next question, which is "whats next".  I dont think anyone knows, it is truly a day to day situation.  I have however accepted that my new "normal" will not be the same as my old.  Thats not terrible, but simply different.  I will have some different limitations I am sure.  I dont remember what normal is.  Its not this, I know that much.  This has got to make us all better though in the long run I would imagine.  Life couldn't have brought me this far just to drop me on my head.  There is a plan in store that is going to make us all better people and peers to one another when the dust settles, I am certain.

I have to get around and get to my shot's this morning..... keep the support coming.  Its been amazing, and so welcome.  There are times that are tough, but it doesnt take long to find someone to lean on for support and guide me through, even when they dont realize they are.

-IM OUT