-balance-

Not sure if I mentioned it or not, but Dr. Paloyan adjusted some of my pain meds again yesterday, and introduced a patch, that will keep me on a constat dose of a certain medication.  We shall see how this works.  The daily Leukine shots that I get to maintain my white blood cell count were stopped today, as he thinks the shots may be stimulating some activity in my bones, and the cause of some of my pain.  We'll see.  We knew getting into this that there is going to be alot of trial and error type work.

I went today for another chemo treatment. Stacy says "the people want pictures"... well then who am I to deny the people of what they want, even though I am not very photogenic. The red syringe is the drug that I mention time and time before, its quite potent.  Spent alot of time in and out of sleep today.

All and all its been a long day, quite tiring, and its time to call it a night.  I am hopeful that tomorrow will be better and will show some improvment.  I will try to get on here and keep you posted.

Good night!

- RAMDOM -

Just a random post on here, babbling on and on... dont have much in general to say, just feel like I should say something... TK is chasing prescriptions for me....  This is like I said, just a bunch of rambling, babbling etc.  Bare with me until he gets back.  There is no structure, ryhme or reason to this post... much like this battle I am fighting.

Just found my lost chap stick in my pocket... better now than later on in the dryer, just ask my wife.  I dont know if there is enough inspiration with this discovery write an entire blog entry, but I guess I can try.  I have wrote on and on about how I wanted to establish a "routine" once the chemotherapy began.  Well here we are, 3 weeks into the routine, and its a little less than pulitzer prize winning material to write about.  I guess I set my expectations a bit too high as to what I would be able to do.  I lost touch with the reality that my circumstance is unique in that the cancer involving the spine and bones causes pain and prevents me from doing alot of the things I once planned.

Wish I had something revolutionary to write about, and I just may deep down inside, but I sure dont seem to be able to put the text to paper right this second.  As of right now, just kinda letting time run its course, the best I can.

Alot of the same old, same old about here.  Nothing new as of lately, nothing really to write about.  Things are up and down, both physically and emotionally.  Nothing out of the ordinary I dont think.... but then again, it comes back to what is "normal".  Since day one of this blog, or even prior to this forum... whats normal?  I am a 29 year old with Renal Cell Cancer that has metastisized to my spine.  Nothing in that statement is normal or makes sence.

I have been busy trying to juggle pain management and the daily life as of lately, and thats been enough of a chore to keep me occupied.  Dont really want to get on here time after time and whine about what hurts and what doesnt.  The fact is that I tuly am sick, things are going to be uncomfortable, and wont always go my way.  As of lately thats about it.  Its been a roller coaster for certain, although, fortunately I have not expirienced one extreme or the other I dont think.  Its hard for me to complain, cause I can imagine that it could be worse, I am sure.

Had some great support in the form of company, great meals and goodies to eat.... probably more than I should have, but oh well.  As I have said before I dont know what I would do with out everyone.

Tomorrow there will be more chemo, and hopefully more progress shown in that department.  Its easy to get overwhelmed with info on the internet and through publications sprawled through out the Dr's offices, and really play out alot of scenarios good and bad.  My mind is dangerous when left to those devices, as there is just as much false and ill-informed resourses out there as there are benefitial... I try to differentiate the two, but its not always easy.

I am babbling on and on I'm sure, so I should probaby get on with my day.

My father and I have alot of hot rod building to do in our heads today.  Throw the fact that I miss the guys at Tigmaster, miss that daily routine, and want to get back there with them.  I miss my time in my shop, building and creating.

I know, I know, patients!.... just ready to get back to a normal sense of LIFE... Stacy, Lilli and myself... and of course ol LOU dog!

KEEP THE COMMENTS COMING, the support is amazing and helps alot!  Gives me something to write about.... and I need that now!

TK just got here with the new meds...a slight adjustment to what I had, actually just an addition to what I was on, and they damn near kill ya with side effects dont they.  I guess thats what they have to do.

- compromise -

LEMONS

Simple tasks in life that go overlooked.  Lifes little chores that are pose a challenge.  Doubts start to settle in, as to weather we are on the right track or not.  Things I could do before that I can't so easily now.  I begin to question it all, weather we are overlooking the obvious.  I start thinking we are going 2 steps forward and 5 steps back....  Everything I am supposed to do to improve my position in this battle, seems to have some side effect or cause me more hassle... its all about compromise... you take the good with the bad...

LEMONADE!!!

It is what what you make of it, and knowing what you can and cannot change... 

The one thing I have control over is my attitude.  The side effects of the drugs and treatments have been showing their presense, but thats to be expected.  GO SPARTANS!!!! We have a good, no.... a GREAT afternoon of DUKE and MSU games, and a little short track NASCAR racing mixed in there.  Take care of yourselves!

(It would be easy to put the faux and cheezy legal disclaimers here like ...."for the record, no bathroom cushions were harmed in the photos here, they were simply reallocated to a new position where they could better serve a purpose"... after all, yes that is a toilet seat pad that didnt work out as planned, but you know us Kacynski's... waste not)

Love, health & happiness, just to name a few ...

I dont know where too begin with this today... The medication list has me a bit overwhelmed, but thats to be understood, as there are alot of them that I take.  Its a little tough trying to maintain the balance at home that I had in the hospital.  The reason I was admitted on Friday was to get the pain under control and by Tuesday it was, therefore, I came home home.  They litterally tripled my pain medication doseages.  Since I came home I have had it undercontrol, except for a few instances.  It gets frustrating, but after some investigative work, I have determined that I need to stop being a "cowboy" as I was labeled early on.  I tend to take the minimal amount of medication I can to get by through out my day, disregarding my comfort, and it really should be the opposite.  I should be comfortable in this fight, and pain shouldnt be an issue really.  I know I will be sore, but sore and in pain are two different things.  Sore lets me know why I am here, pain makes me wish I wasnt.

I need to just slow down.  Any sence of normalcy and I go at life as it was 6 months ago, when the sky was the limit, or so I thought.  I feel great getting out of the hospital, and come home going at a pace thats about 150% faster than I should.  I need to just take my time.  This entire deal as brought my life back into check and makes me realize whats truly important.  As cliche' as that sounds, its oh so true.  I cant speak for anyone but myself, but I know that I took alot of life for granted, failing to appreciate value of many simple things in life.  Love, health and happiness just to name a few!

More appointments and shots today.  I have another chemo next week, which I look forward to.  I really do.  The side effects are getting a bit more intense each time, but I welcome the positive effects that the treatments bring.  Everything tastes the same.  Its hard to explain, but I can differentiate between textures and consistancy, but the flavor is all generically the same.  Makes it easy on the chef, ha.  I am pretty confident that the remainder of my hair will be gone after the next treatment.  Fatigue is something I still battle, weather its a physical weekness of my muscles, or just drowsiness.  Its no surprise with the cocktail they have brewing in my veins.

All and all, we are getting better, just gotta keep pluggin away.  I gotta remember that this is just a chapter in the book of life rather than the entire story.  Simple as that.  I cant worry about things that I cant change.  I can only ask for the power to change the things I can...and hopefully I will have the wisdom to know the difference between the two.

I have to thank everyone again for all they have done, especially while in hospital.  Its speaks volumes to the potential of the human spirit when the intentions are good.  I know that sounds really "deep", but there is no other way to say it.... just the messages, posts, emails, cards or packages... they all make it that much easier in one way or another.  Although its not enough to just say thank you, thats about all I can say or do.  Its amazing.

- home sweet home-

Hard to explain the sense of comfort gathered from the familiar sound and scent of HOME SWEET HOME (almost sounds french by the way)...

Came home yesterday, feeling better.  Back to the routine today, shots, appointments etc.  TK is here to accept driving responsibilities for the day.  I will write more in the blog later, because as of right now I see the S.O.S flares going off and signs of distress through the air across the living room as he sits on the couch trying to program his new flip phone.  I think I need to intervene before someone gets hurt.  More to come...

Its 8 a.m....Def LePPard is playing on Pandora, fresh pot of coffee, a new FLIP phone is involved, and some sunshine to start the day... life aint all bad ya know.

GO BEE's... the old Bridgman Bee's stepping it up and playing on the state level.  Good to see!  I dont think I can make it up there, but I sure wish I could.

manic monday

I sit here drinking one of the imfamous "coffee shop milkshakes", nearly 24 hours after I was to begin the fasting procress for the procedure I endured today.  Not eatting or drinking anything in this terribly dry enviroment for 18 hours was probably the toughest part of it all.  Its hard to explain how dry it is in this hospital, and even tougher to explain how nice this milkshake is right now.

As for todays "procedure"... it went well.  After a brief consultation with Dr. Jordan just prior to going under anesthesia, he determined that to do any work in the sacrum area would involve too much risk.  There are some serious nerve endings in the sacrum that would be at risk of being damaged with a kyphoplasty.  Damage there could result in paralyzation and worse, and those are results that are always frowned up.  Dr. Jordan was very honest and open and said that he didnt feel comfortable doing anything in that area, but seen a real benefit could be gained by doing some Radiofrequency Ablation (RFA) in my left Iliac wing.  There are some lesions in this area, causing alot of pain.  RFA is a process where they use a long probe to go into the back or problem area and the use pin point localized radiation to zap or kill the tumors  This process was used today in the left Iliac wing area, which is just to the side of the sacrum.  This will hopefully relieve some of the lower back and left left pain.  I am confident it will.

Just finished a lap around the 4th floor here, before I sat down to enjoy the milkshake and write this.  Thats a vast improvement, considering Friday I couldnt even walk.  I was also able to do a handfull of the daily routine most take for granted.  These are things that I couldnt do, but after some medication adjustments, and this procdure... I think we are back on track.  Not to mention, the chemotherapy... I am certain that is having a positive effect already.  Their is a possibility that more RFA will take place in the future, depending on the results of today's work.

The plan is to get out of here tomorrow.  The stay has been a great success, and well needed.  The medication list was altered greatly, but for the better.  The RFA procedure really has me excited to see where I will be in a few days after it has had time to heal up.

I am exhausted and need to call it a night.  I am probably just babbling anyway.  Been a busy couple days.  I wasnt gonna even post, but the people want a posting... so, being a man of the people, for the people.... I give the people what they want.  People wanted pics too.... so here you go... I look like a zombie, but feel pretty good.  Please excuse the cell phone pic and partial head of hair.  Its about 70% out.  I am staring at something on the TV when Stacy snapped this pic.  By the way.... GO SPARTANs ..... gotta love march madness.

Part 1 of ?

Last updated this Friday, bright and early as can be read below.  That post expressed where I was Friday morning.  Only thing on my plate for Friday was to make it to the office for a Luekin shot.  For now, I am to get a daily shot through out the first parts of the chemotherapy, just to keep the white blood cell counts in check and immune system up to snuff.  So.... fast forward a bit, and I am in my extended legnth mid morning routine, and as explained in Friday's post, coping with a bit more pain.  TK picks me up and we make our way to Dr. Paloyan's office for the needed shot.  I spend the 15 min car ride picking my hair off the shoulders of my sweatshirt, wondering why I even have a sweatshirt on, as its nearly 60 degrees out.  My frustration is increasing from the amount of pain as well as being too warm for the clothes I have dressed in not to mention the feeling of my sheding hair down my sweaty back and neck.  Finally we arrive in drop off turnaround, I bail out of the PT cruiser and am greated with a strong scent of something electrical burning.  This is the second time that TK and I have noticed this, thats not good.  I can hardly get out of my own way... what the hell am I supposed to do if I need to get out of this car in an emergency?  The scenario's race through my head at an alarming rate, and the results are all the same...

(side note... pandora is great, http://www.pandora.com/)

I made my way in for the shot.  The nurses seems to notice a bit more struggle in my steps, it doesnt take long for the her to comment and I mention that something has to change, and that the past week has been tough, and I should probably get with Dr. Paloyan about increasing the medications I am on.  Simultaneously, my Mom, after reading the emails in that I mentioned in Friday's post, calls Paloyan's office to see if while I was there for the shot, the pain issue could be addressed.  About that time, the nurse comes back and mentions that she would like me to just hang tight for a bit, and she will talk with the doctor.  10 min later a  decision is made to get me into the hospital for pain management.    I honestly felt relieved and knew this was the best thing for me.

As of around 2pm Friday, I have been at Lakeland hospital, working with Dr. Stafford who has been in touch with Dr. Paloyan and I believe Dr. Jordan as well.  Ironically, the gentleman that takes care of me in the infusion clinic, works here on the 4th floor one weekend a moth, and this is his weekend.  So I am in good hands, hands that are familiar with my situation.  Basically, we are trying to get a diet or regiment of medications that will allow me to lead a comfortable life... that new "normal" I mentioned a few times before.  ALOT has changed since this current medication list was installed into my routine.  I have been through radiation, started chemo, my body has changed alot, and the meds changed very little.

I think we have taken the right steps this weekend so far, and am confident that we will get this whipped, just a little hiccup.  The pain friday was probably as bad as it has been at certain points, and today I am sitting here pretty content and looking forward to more great basketball on TV.  Thats a whole other post in itself, go SPARTANS.

I touched based on it a bit last week, but there is a few procedures that they are considering or I should say will be doing Monday, in hopes of providing more pain relief.  I will be here until Tuesday to recover from that.

As usual, when I get in here, we take over, ha.  Alot of good company, good people, snacks, treats, etc.  Its been great.  I havnt had much of a chance to sit down and take a deep breath which I think I will now.  I am actually here by myself for a bit while Stacy ran some errends.  Alot has happened, changed or will be changing in the next week or so, I will try to write more tonight, but like I said, it gets crazy in this little room from time to time, and I dont know what I will be able to sneek into the schedule. 

My hair is on its last leg, alot has fell out, more soon to come.

Its about lunch time, there are a few good stories I am leaving out, but time will only make em better!  Thanks again everyone for all you have done and continue to do.  I know one thing, its gotta be impossible for me to fail at anything with this much support behind me!