focus now

I am not making this up, but a side effect of the treatments I am enduring right now is lack of focus or lack of the ability to dedicate attention to certain tasks, such as reading, writing etc.  I have found this to be so true.  It all comes back to fatigue and exhaustion.  My Aunt Ann, who was on same main treatments I am on expirienced the same, which was reassuring.  Its always nice to know that, although everyone is diffeerent, I am not alone in this.  I was a bit scatter brained to begin with.  I was always writing myself notes on scratch paper, but I am now more than ever, and hardly ever seem to get anything I write down done.

So anyway, thats my excuse for lack of blog postings and such.  Please do not take it personal.  Keep the messages and support coming.

These blogs, for whatever reason, end up being about medications and the battle with those that I am facing.  Unfortunatly, that has become my life recently

The ongoing battle for balance continues.  I feel its the one constant that will remain through out this fight.  I think I mentioned it before.  Daily its as though I wake up and evaluate the situation, usually with the same response of "now... what the hell is this thats acting up?"  The balancing comes into place with medications ofcourse.  Too many of these cause weakness, but not enough and there is pain... you learn the difference real soon.  The same goes for other drugs, with opposite effects.  Also, its time that I wean off of some and move onto others, and the transitions are never smooth it seems.

There is sooo much technical jargin that goes with all this medication, its nearly a fulltime job staying on top of it all.  A new drug was introduced today to help restore bone integrity and steriods were reduced again, to help with same deal.  We have paper work, charts we make to keep track of it all, I still am confused.  I had chemo again today.  Thats a bitter sweet moment.  I know it will hand me a handfull of struggle, but relief seems to come from it as well, so thats a good thing.

Can not thank my dad, ol TK, enough.  Its been a tough week as I have had some tough bouts with pain and weekness, and we, should I say, he, managed to get alot down for me, and with me.  Ofcourse, Stacy... I would have no idea where I would be without her here for me.  Everyone's support comes in and fills in any loose seams and voids here and their, making it a bit easier.

I think I need to get off of here and onto to something more like pudding, maybe a milkshake?  These are my latest kicks.  Oatmeal too.  I have instants, for the quick fix, or the old fashioned hand made larger original versions.  Its acutally just like my pain meds, I have the original long lasting, good stuff, or the fast acting "instant reliefs"....  I think soo... pudding it is.

I will try to see if I can keep up on this thing a bit better than I have.  Anyone know where the Cubs have been this year?  4-4 aint horrible, but come on.... I still have hope... we'll see.  Go Tigers!

TGIF

Last week through me a bit of a curve as far as pain goes.  By weeks end, it was to the point that Dr. Paloyan ordered some blood work, hooked me up to some nutrients via IV... and when was all said and done, ordered a new set of MRI's.  Due to the fact that my legs where quite weak, it was thought to be best to do the MRI's as inpatient, therefore I was admitted to the hospital friday afternoon, overnight until saturday afternoon.The MRI's were ordered to rule out any spinal cord compression, causing the recent pain and leg issues.  Good news, was that there is no issues with the spinal cord.  They have boiled the weakness and pain down once again to medications and their side effects.  We are working on that as well.  There is sooo much going on, between the medications and treatments its hard telling what causes what.  I could bore you with the details but I wont.  We have also started physical therapy at home, and will start an out patient therapy program as well.

Mean while.... this past week Grandpa Bill was in a battle of his own.  Same time I was dealing with my issues, he was battling an infection, the same one he was a few weeks back.  It flared up again and landed him back in the hospital.  Also just so happened friday was his birthday as well, an I wouldnt miss that party for anything!  We had rooms right next to each other, although, visiting was not much of an option with our conditions.   Even more ironic, is the procedure he had to have was on the other end of the hospital, main floor, right next to where I had mine, at the same time.  Its just unfortunate tha tthe circumstances with the infection and such, prohibited much contact between all of us.  He was in "isolation"... which we had to honor in hopes of getting him better and preventing my from getting ill.  We snuck this pic at the end of our stay.

Its been a bit of a mental struggle as of lately, keeping up and up.  It really is no different today than it was fighting this 2 weeks ago.  Everyday offers a different challenge than the day before, bit its nothing that cant be over came.  Its simply something that I just need to find a balance of and take it on.  Its hard not being able to do the simple things in life.  I guess its just one of those things where I need to swallow my pride and get admit that I may need help, or assistance, as humbling as that may be.    Keeping focused on things has been the biggest challange as of lately, and my Aunt Ann could relate, saying the same thing.  Simply reading magazines or writing these blogs take alot of focus that I just dont seem to have some times.  BARE WITH ME.  They call it "Chemo- Brain"....  My Aunt Ann, having been through this before, lent me words of advice saying chemo is not going kill me, and it wont.  I just need to accept that for the next few weeks, months, I wont be able to do the things I want to, or always have with out help, and thats ok.  Fortunatly, I have people there that are willing to help.  Its hard for me to take a step back, and let others do thing especially with weather the way it is right now.  Its gorgeous out, but we will get through this.  There is no other option.

Keep the positives coming...I love and appreciate the support.  It helps more than I can express.

Time for me to do the exercises... post away, and I will try to keep up to date.