- suck it up and quit yer whining -

"Patients" seems to be the reacurring theme here.  As I have stated before, thats not really one of my strong points.  I am a guy who is used to instant results either good or bad, and so far this whole "fighting cancer" thing doesnt play along by my rules.  It seems to have a mind of its own apparently, and doesnt really give a damn what I want.  Although I am through with radiation for time being, and have began chemotherapy, I have not seen the pain relief I was hoping for, in fact, I may be in a bit more pain now than I was 4 weeks ago.  This is hard for me to get my head around. 

I woke up this morning about 4 am, which is the norm for me lately.  Frustrated and upset by the pain, I fired off 3-4 emails to my mother, to "vent" a bit.  She's good for that.  I can lean on her in times like this, she knows how I am and takes it... being in her position in the medical field, she also knows people who can give me answers.  The emails are random, just wanting to know details as to why, and why not.  The internet provides really nothing, as far as reassurance, due to the fact that more than half the material on the web is 5-10 years old or older.  This disease and its treatment options have so far advanced in that time, that reading dated material such as that is more of a hinder than a help.

Its hard for me to understand exactly whats going on, there are so many variables involved.  What causes what, and how do you address the issue?  What is normal???  I dont want to be a whiner, but should this be happening?  What about this, and where did this come from?  I thought this was all part of it?  All questions that I deal with that the poor doctor's have to sort through.

Its been a wild ride for the past 6 weeks or so, since the end of January.  Its not over yet.  At the risk of sounding mundane, its been amazing to have the amount of support that received.  It never fails, where ever I go, people mention that they read this, or that I am in their thoughts and prayers and that they are pulling for me.  Young and old, friends and foe even, people you never would expect, express that they are with me in this fight.  Thats incredible.  Times like yesterday when I am sore and hurting, sitting in the parking garage in a wheel chair, feeling sorry for myself....waiting for my ride to pull around. I hear an old family friend approaching me say that he reads this blog daily and just knows that I am gonna pull through.... that means the world to me, and makes me realize that this wont kill me, it can only make me stronger. 

Things could be worse, just look at the first round of my NCAA bracket.

- juiced -

Grandpa Bill and I, all plumbed up this morning.  Today was one of the days where our treatments landed on the same day.  I have a feeling that place wont be the same by the time we are all said and done.  As for treatment itself, that stuff they give me sure is potent, atleast for me.  I am home now, and its time I get some sleep.  The first few days after I recieve my treatments, I am quite tired.  I will try to write more later tonight.  Thanks again to everyone for all they do.

I have a consultation tomorrow with Dr. Jordan, concerning the Kyphoplasty procedure... so hopefully we can get rolling on that soon.

By the way, my hair is starting to fall out, wont be long now...

Sorry about the expressions on my face, I am not one for taking pictures... hate posing for photos, ist just not my gig...

- 10pm snack -

Just a quick update.  I recieved some good news tonight concerning my back.  Just finished dinner (thanks Patty, it was fantastic), and the phone rings.  It was Dr. Paloyan.  We discussed some options about my back and the pain its been causing.  Dr. Paloyan, Dr. Sikorski and a few others all agreed that I would be a good candidate for a procedure known as a Kyphoplasty.  The major area of concern right now is in my very lower back or sacrum.  The tumors there were hit with radiation and have maybe reduced some and are under control as far as we can tell, but the damage is done.  There are multiple stress and compression fractures, causing quite a bit of pain and discomfort.  The Kyphoplasty in short is an injectable bone cement that when done will provide a bit more integrity and strength in this area of my back and hopefully reduce the pain greatly.  At this point its worth a shot and we have nothing to loose.  That area of my back is the worse, there are other areas that may need attention down the road if this works out.  I am suppose to hear from Dr. Jordan, who would be performing this procedure, any day now.  So we shall..... you guessed it, wait and see, until then....

I'll turn it over to the 3rd shift!

^define^

I am not sure I am ready to recieve what I wanted.  If you read the past few posts that I have published on this blog, I have made the comment that I was ready to get into a "routine".  I have made that comment in person to people who asked how I was doing.  I convinced myself that I was tired of not knowing, tired of waiting for answers and ready to get on with getting better.  To an extent, I am.  I want nothing more than to just wake up and get back to work, to that daily routine.  I am not ready for this daily routine though.  The routine of being a cancer patient.  It hurts to type those words even.  I feel my eyes swelling up and a lump grows in my throat just getting those words in text.  With that said, I guess some clarification is needed.  I will not ever allow this to be my normal, no one should.  I found myself this Monday morning waking up as though this is my new life.  Just another start to another week.  More appointments and treatments.  Have I began to treat this as my career?  I am limited in what I can do physically to keep my mind occupied through out the day, just due to nature of type of cancer I have, but still, thats no excuse.  I find myself almost letting the disease drive the bus for a while, which a while back, I thought would be ideal.  Just get into the routine of treatment and go with the flow.  I am not sure thats so much what I need, atleast not sure thats what my mind needs.  No one has to accept cancer, or the diagnosis they are given.  You dont have to look far in any part of society to realize that numbers and stats do lie, or atleast they are not always right.  Maybe they dont lie, but they certainly decieve and mislead.

I am not ready to let anyone else drive this short bus full of crazy besides me.  It may be easier to just sit back and let someone, but that wouldnt be true to character; however a proactive approach, spearheaded by yours truly would seem a bit more true to form.  Now I am not going rewrite any books on medicine, but I'll be damned if I am gonna let this single battle shape and define my life or who I am, no matter how siginifcant this battle is.

There is some question that lingers in my mind as to what my new "normal" will be.  Time will tell.  Thats the new anticipation I suppose.  Before we searched for a diagnosis, then we sought an effective approach to treatment.  Now with those two objectives passified for now, I find my mind wandering to the next question, which is "whats next".  I dont think anyone knows, it is truly a day to day situation.  I have however accepted that my new "normal" will not be the same as my old.  Thats not terrible, but simply different.  I will have some different limitations I am sure.  I dont remember what normal is.  Its not this, I know that much.  This has got to make us all better though in the long run I would imagine.  Life couldn't have brought me this far just to drop me on my head.  There is a plan in store that is going to make us all better people and peers to one another when the dust settles, I am certain.

I have to get around and get to my shot's this morning..... keep the support coming.  Its been amazing, and so welcome.  There are times that are tough, but it doesnt take long to find someone to lean on for support and guide me through, even when they dont realize they are.

-IM OUT