-V.A.F.-

Stacy poured a cup of coffee for me as I logged on the wireless network, watching CBS's Sunday morning, a ritual.  I was going to get on here and post some "hot rod" related pics and info, something a little lighter than the typical topics of discussion, and a bit more true to my heart and soul.  Believe it or not, there is ALOT more to my life than doctors, medication and cancer.  I have hundreds of photos, info, and articles of Vendetta Auto Fab's work and products, both finished and in progress.  For some reason, I can not access any of these files on the cd's they are stored on.  I just got done praising how lucky I have been with the current laptop I have.  Perhaps that luck has run dry.

I will have to "resolve" this.  Give me some time. 

Mean while, if you are truly interested, there is always some good eye candy in the shop for the auto enthusiasists.  Alot of good conversation if you just like to "bench race".... stop on by, email, call .... send a letter.  See thats the beauty of hot rodders and my shop, we start on a customer / shop terms, and have become great friends.  We can see that the passion is true and genuine, and its easier that way.  Young and old, its great, and probably the greater reward.  There is alot to learn, and it doesnt take long to be humbled by the fascinating stories many have to share.  See, hot rods are not a material thing, they are more an attitude or lifestyle.  Once you grasp that concept the colors of the hobby become much more vivid.  Some of the greatest people I know.

Speaking of which, gotta go meet Dave at the shop so he can drop off a flathead V8 engine for an upcoming project. 

- go sparty-

Its been a couple days since last post I guess.  I have been enjoying the great weather.  Pain management has been a bit of a challenge but I think we are making progress.  The entire process is really overwhelming.  I wish there was a point that you get to where you know thats the quote "turning point", where you knew from there on it would get better... but the truth is, you just dont.  I am confident though we are deffinatly making progress.  Dr. Paloyan has provided such great care for me and my situation, words cannot express the gratitude I have him and his staff.  Lucky to have the people in my life that I have.  Thats for sure.

Once again, medications have been altered, alot... its a chemistry expiriment in my bloodstream, but I cant complain.  Feeling comfortable as of latetly, and doing all I can to get into a routine.  Some precautions I have to take into account with white blood cell counts, chemo and such, but all and all, I can't complain.  Long strory short... if your sick, stay away, ha.  I cant express how much I appreciate the support everyone has provided from top to bottom.  Everyone has reached out to help and alot of levels and it really does help, not only me, but my family.  From messages of hope on here to, house hold chores or meals getting cooked...etc.  I never knew some of my punk friends could cook or step up and be so hospitable.... I am impressed.

I am really looking forward to today and tonight.  Going to enjoy some Final 4 basketball with Lilli and Stacy.  My Spartan's shirt been on since first thing this morning.  All 4 teams deserve to be there, and it should be a great weekend of basketball.

Cubs opener Monday!

There's a gearhead side to me as well, ha... just a little.  Those who share that interest may be interested to know that I have a few things up my sleeve in that realm as well.  The shop is full of neat projects, large and small.  I am blessed with understanding customers.  I have plans for some idle parts, that are not getting put to use.  Those parts will find home in a new project... exciting and low key.  I will keep ya posted.  Vendetta Auto Fab will survive, and like its owner, will be better for it.

OUT

Felt great to get up, out and about this morning.  Although first thing I was quite sore, I talked Dad into bringing 3 dozen donuts over, and we delivered them to the guys at Tigmaster.  Getting out and about in any capacity sure beats sitting in the Lay-Z-boy all day.  I am not sure how much I can do, as I tire real easy, but I cant begin to tell ya how good that feels to get out and socialized a bit... keepin active.  It has been stated before; a balancing act is definatly needed.  Anyone that knows me will tell you that sitting idle is not one of my strong points.  I need to simply need a bit more pain med, more activity, more dedicated rest and less sitting around.  My mental state doesnt allow me to simply sit.

I simply gotta get back into the mindset that I am in control, and not the cancer.  I found myself dangerously close to the point where I was just going to let the disease stear the ship, and allow it to take me where it so desired... NOT HAPPENING.  I didnt get into this game that way, and I sure as hell am not going to allow it to fall into that format.  Dont get me wrong, I respect my opponenent, but am in no way, shape or form am I intimidated by it.  It has thrown some things at me as of lately that are humbling and provided a real reality check, but so be it, I am still here and will be tomorrow.

Listen... I cannot and will not let the cancer run my life, period.  I said that Feb 4th, and will continue to remind myself of that each day!  Thats as plain english as I can put it.  I have too much to live for to allow otherwise.

All and all... I think my ol dog LOU has the right idea for right now, a little break, then maybe back at it. 

-balance-

Not sure if I mentioned it or not, but Dr. Paloyan adjusted some of my pain meds again yesterday, and introduced a patch, that will keep me on a constat dose of a certain medication.  We shall see how this works.  The daily Leukine shots that I get to maintain my white blood cell count were stopped today, as he thinks the shots may be stimulating some activity in my bones, and the cause of some of my pain.  We'll see.  We knew getting into this that there is going to be alot of trial and error type work.

I went today for another chemo treatment. Stacy says "the people want pictures"... well then who am I to deny the people of what they want, even though I am not very photogenic. The red syringe is the drug that I mention time and time before, its quite potent.  Spent alot of time in and out of sleep today.

All and all its been a long day, quite tiring, and its time to call it a night.  I am hopeful that tomorrow will be better and will show some improvment.  I will try to get on here and keep you posted.

Good night!

- RAMDOM -

Just a random post on here, babbling on and on... dont have much in general to say, just feel like I should say something... TK is chasing prescriptions for me....  This is like I said, just a bunch of rambling, babbling etc.  Bare with me until he gets back.  There is no structure, ryhme or reason to this post... much like this battle I am fighting.

Just found my lost chap stick in my pocket... better now than later on in the dryer, just ask my wife.  I dont know if there is enough inspiration with this discovery write an entire blog entry, but I guess I can try.  I have wrote on and on about how I wanted to establish a "routine" once the chemotherapy began.  Well here we are, 3 weeks into the routine, and its a little less than pulitzer prize winning material to write about.  I guess I set my expectations a bit too high as to what I would be able to do.  I lost touch with the reality that my circumstance is unique in that the cancer involving the spine and bones causes pain and prevents me from doing alot of the things I once planned.

Wish I had something revolutionary to write about, and I just may deep down inside, but I sure dont seem to be able to put the text to paper right this second.  As of right now, just kinda letting time run its course, the best I can.

Alot of the same old, same old about here.  Nothing new as of lately, nothing really to write about.  Things are up and down, both physically and emotionally.  Nothing out of the ordinary I dont think.... but then again, it comes back to what is "normal".  Since day one of this blog, or even prior to this forum... whats normal?  I am a 29 year old with Renal Cell Cancer that has metastisized to my spine.  Nothing in that statement is normal or makes sence.

I have been busy trying to juggle pain management and the daily life as of lately, and thats been enough of a chore to keep me occupied.  Dont really want to get on here time after time and whine about what hurts and what doesnt.  The fact is that I tuly am sick, things are going to be uncomfortable, and wont always go my way.  As of lately thats about it.  Its been a roller coaster for certain, although, fortunately I have not expirienced one extreme or the other I dont think.  Its hard for me to complain, cause I can imagine that it could be worse, I am sure.

Had some great support in the form of company, great meals and goodies to eat.... probably more than I should have, but oh well.  As I have said before I dont know what I would do with out everyone.

Tomorrow there will be more chemo, and hopefully more progress shown in that department.  Its easy to get overwhelmed with info on the internet and through publications sprawled through out the Dr's offices, and really play out alot of scenarios good and bad.  My mind is dangerous when left to those devices, as there is just as much false and ill-informed resourses out there as there are benefitial... I try to differentiate the two, but its not always easy.

I am babbling on and on I'm sure, so I should probaby get on with my day.

My father and I have alot of hot rod building to do in our heads today.  Throw the fact that I miss the guys at Tigmaster, miss that daily routine, and want to get back there with them.  I miss my time in my shop, building and creating.

I know, I know, patients!.... just ready to get back to a normal sense of LIFE... Stacy, Lilli and myself... and of course ol LOU dog!

KEEP THE COMMENTS COMING, the support is amazing and helps alot!  Gives me something to write about.... and I need that now!

TK just got here with the new meds...a slight adjustment to what I had, actually just an addition to what I was on, and they damn near kill ya with side effects dont they.  I guess thats what they have to do.

- compromise -

LEMONS

Simple tasks in life that go overlooked.  Lifes little chores that are pose a challenge.  Doubts start to settle in, as to weather we are on the right track or not.  Things I could do before that I can't so easily now.  I begin to question it all, weather we are overlooking the obvious.  I start thinking we are going 2 steps forward and 5 steps back....  Everything I am supposed to do to improve my position in this battle, seems to have some side effect or cause me more hassle... its all about compromise... you take the good with the bad...

LEMONADE!!!

It is what what you make of it, and knowing what you can and cannot change... 

The one thing I have control over is my attitude.  The side effects of the drugs and treatments have been showing their presense, but thats to be expected.  GO SPARTANS!!!! We have a good, no.... a GREAT afternoon of DUKE and MSU games, and a little short track NASCAR racing mixed in there.  Take care of yourselves!

(It would be easy to put the faux and cheezy legal disclaimers here like ...."for the record, no bathroom cushions were harmed in the photos here, they were simply reallocated to a new position where they could better serve a purpose"... after all, yes that is a toilet seat pad that didnt work out as planned, but you know us Kacynski's... waste not)

Love, health & happiness, just to name a few ...

I dont know where too begin with this today... The medication list has me a bit overwhelmed, but thats to be understood, as there are alot of them that I take.  Its a little tough trying to maintain the balance at home that I had in the hospital.  The reason I was admitted on Friday was to get the pain under control and by Tuesday it was, therefore, I came home home.  They litterally tripled my pain medication doseages.  Since I came home I have had it undercontrol, except for a few instances.  It gets frustrating, but after some investigative work, I have determined that I need to stop being a "cowboy" as I was labeled early on.  I tend to take the minimal amount of medication I can to get by through out my day, disregarding my comfort, and it really should be the opposite.  I should be comfortable in this fight, and pain shouldnt be an issue really.  I know I will be sore, but sore and in pain are two different things.  Sore lets me know why I am here, pain makes me wish I wasnt.

I need to just slow down.  Any sence of normalcy and I go at life as it was 6 months ago, when the sky was the limit, or so I thought.  I feel great getting out of the hospital, and come home going at a pace thats about 150% faster than I should.  I need to just take my time.  This entire deal as brought my life back into check and makes me realize whats truly important.  As cliche' as that sounds, its oh so true.  I cant speak for anyone but myself, but I know that I took alot of life for granted, failing to appreciate value of many simple things in life.  Love, health and happiness just to name a few!

More appointments and shots today.  I have another chemo next week, which I look forward to.  I really do.  The side effects are getting a bit more intense each time, but I welcome the positive effects that the treatments bring.  Everything tastes the same.  Its hard to explain, but I can differentiate between textures and consistancy, but the flavor is all generically the same.  Makes it easy on the chef, ha.  I am pretty confident that the remainder of my hair will be gone after the next treatment.  Fatigue is something I still battle, weather its a physical weekness of my muscles, or just drowsiness.  Its no surprise with the cocktail they have brewing in my veins.

All and all, we are getting better, just gotta keep pluggin away.  I gotta remember that this is just a chapter in the book of life rather than the entire story.  Simple as that.  I cant worry about things that I cant change.  I can only ask for the power to change the things I can...and hopefully I will have the wisdom to know the difference between the two.

I have to thank everyone again for all they have done, especially while in hospital.  Its speaks volumes to the potential of the human spirit when the intentions are good.  I know that sounds really "deep", but there is no other way to say it.... just the messages, posts, emails, cards or packages... they all make it that much easier in one way or another.  Although its not enough to just say thank you, thats about all I can say or do.  Its amazing.