Part 1 of ?

Last updated this Friday, bright and early as can be read below.  That post expressed where I was Friday morning.  Only thing on my plate for Friday was to make it to the office for a Luekin shot.  For now, I am to get a daily shot through out the first parts of the chemotherapy, just to keep the white blood cell counts in check and immune system up to snuff.  So.... fast forward a bit, and I am in my extended legnth mid morning routine, and as explained in Friday's post, coping with a bit more pain.  TK picks me up and we make our way to Dr. Paloyan's office for the needed shot.  I spend the 15 min car ride picking my hair off the shoulders of my sweatshirt, wondering why I even have a sweatshirt on, as its nearly 60 degrees out.  My frustration is increasing from the amount of pain as well as being too warm for the clothes I have dressed in not to mention the feeling of my sheding hair down my sweaty back and neck.  Finally we arrive in drop off turnaround, I bail out of the PT cruiser and am greated with a strong scent of something electrical burning.  This is the second time that TK and I have noticed this, thats not good.  I can hardly get out of my own way... what the hell am I supposed to do if I need to get out of this car in an emergency?  The scenario's race through my head at an alarming rate, and the results are all the same...

(side note... pandora is great, http://www.pandora.com/)

I made my way in for the shot.  The nurses seems to notice a bit more struggle in my steps, it doesnt take long for the her to comment and I mention that something has to change, and that the past week has been tough, and I should probably get with Dr. Paloyan about increasing the medications I am on.  Simultaneously, my Mom, after reading the emails in that I mentioned in Friday's post, calls Paloyan's office to see if while I was there for the shot, the pain issue could be addressed.  About that time, the nurse comes back and mentions that she would like me to just hang tight for a bit, and she will talk with the doctor.  10 min later a  decision is made to get me into the hospital for pain management.    I honestly felt relieved and knew this was the best thing for me.

As of around 2pm Friday, I have been at Lakeland hospital, working with Dr. Stafford who has been in touch with Dr. Paloyan and I believe Dr. Jordan as well.  Ironically, the gentleman that takes care of me in the infusion clinic, works here on the 4th floor one weekend a moth, and this is his weekend.  So I am in good hands, hands that are familiar with my situation.  Basically, we are trying to get a diet or regiment of medications that will allow me to lead a comfortable life... that new "normal" I mentioned a few times before.  ALOT has changed since this current medication list was installed into my routine.  I have been through radiation, started chemo, my body has changed alot, and the meds changed very little.

I think we have taken the right steps this weekend so far, and am confident that we will get this whipped, just a little hiccup.  The pain friday was probably as bad as it has been at certain points, and today I am sitting here pretty content and looking forward to more great basketball on TV.  Thats a whole other post in itself, go SPARTANS.

I touched based on it a bit last week, but there is a few procedures that they are considering or I should say will be doing Monday, in hopes of providing more pain relief.  I will be here until Tuesday to recover from that.

As usual, when I get in here, we take over, ha.  Alot of good company, good people, snacks, treats, etc.  Its been great.  I havnt had much of a chance to sit down and take a deep breath which I think I will now.  I am actually here by myself for a bit while Stacy ran some errends.  Alot has happened, changed or will be changing in the next week or so, I will try to write more tonight, but like I said, it gets crazy in this little room from time to time, and I dont know what I will be able to sneek into the schedule. 

My hair is on its last leg, alot has fell out, more soon to come.

Its about lunch time, there are a few good stories I am leaving out, but time will only make em better!  Thanks again everyone for all you have done and continue to do.  I know one thing, its gotta be impossible for me to fail at anything with this much support behind me!

- suck it up and quit yer whining -

"Patients" seems to be the reacurring theme here.  As I have stated before, thats not really one of my strong points.  I am a guy who is used to instant results either good or bad, and so far this whole "fighting cancer" thing doesnt play along by my rules.  It seems to have a mind of its own apparently, and doesnt really give a damn what I want.  Although I am through with radiation for time being, and have began chemotherapy, I have not seen the pain relief I was hoping for, in fact, I may be in a bit more pain now than I was 4 weeks ago.  This is hard for me to get my head around. 

I woke up this morning about 4 am, which is the norm for me lately.  Frustrated and upset by the pain, I fired off 3-4 emails to my mother, to "vent" a bit.  She's good for that.  I can lean on her in times like this, she knows how I am and takes it... being in her position in the medical field, she also knows people who can give me answers.  The emails are random, just wanting to know details as to why, and why not.  The internet provides really nothing, as far as reassurance, due to the fact that more than half the material on the web is 5-10 years old or older.  This disease and its treatment options have so far advanced in that time, that reading dated material such as that is more of a hinder than a help.

Its hard for me to understand exactly whats going on, there are so many variables involved.  What causes what, and how do you address the issue?  What is normal???  I dont want to be a whiner, but should this be happening?  What about this, and where did this come from?  I thought this was all part of it?  All questions that I deal with that the poor doctor's have to sort through.

Its been a wild ride for the past 6 weeks or so, since the end of January.  Its not over yet.  At the risk of sounding mundane, its been amazing to have the amount of support that received.  It never fails, where ever I go, people mention that they read this, or that I am in their thoughts and prayers and that they are pulling for me.  Young and old, friends and foe even, people you never would expect, express that they are with me in this fight.  Thats incredible.  Times like yesterday when I am sore and hurting, sitting in the parking garage in a wheel chair, feeling sorry for myself....waiting for my ride to pull around. I hear an old family friend approaching me say that he reads this blog daily and just knows that I am gonna pull through.... that means the world to me, and makes me realize that this wont kill me, it can only make me stronger. 

Things could be worse, just look at the first round of my NCAA bracket.

- juiced -

Grandpa Bill and I, all plumbed up this morning.  Today was one of the days where our treatments landed on the same day.  I have a feeling that place wont be the same by the time we are all said and done.  As for treatment itself, that stuff they give me sure is potent, atleast for me.  I am home now, and its time I get some sleep.  The first few days after I recieve my treatments, I am quite tired.  I will try to write more later tonight.  Thanks again to everyone for all they do.

I have a consultation tomorrow with Dr. Jordan, concerning the Kyphoplasty procedure... so hopefully we can get rolling on that soon.

By the way, my hair is starting to fall out, wont be long now...

Sorry about the expressions on my face, I am not one for taking pictures... hate posing for photos, ist just not my gig...

- 10pm snack -

Just a quick update.  I recieved some good news tonight concerning my back.  Just finished dinner (thanks Patty, it was fantastic), and the phone rings.  It was Dr. Paloyan.  We discussed some options about my back and the pain its been causing.  Dr. Paloyan, Dr. Sikorski and a few others all agreed that I would be a good candidate for a procedure known as a Kyphoplasty.  The major area of concern right now is in my very lower back or sacrum.  The tumors there were hit with radiation and have maybe reduced some and are under control as far as we can tell, but the damage is done.  There are multiple stress and compression fractures, causing quite a bit of pain and discomfort.  The Kyphoplasty in short is an injectable bone cement that when done will provide a bit more integrity and strength in this area of my back and hopefully reduce the pain greatly.  At this point its worth a shot and we have nothing to loose.  That area of my back is the worse, there are other areas that may need attention down the road if this works out.  I am suppose to hear from Dr. Jordan, who would be performing this procedure, any day now.  So we shall..... you guessed it, wait and see, until then....

I'll turn it over to the 3rd shift!

^define^

I am not sure I am ready to recieve what I wanted.  If you read the past few posts that I have published on this blog, I have made the comment that I was ready to get into a "routine".  I have made that comment in person to people who asked how I was doing.  I convinced myself that I was tired of not knowing, tired of waiting for answers and ready to get on with getting better.  To an extent, I am.  I want nothing more than to just wake up and get back to work, to that daily routine.  I am not ready for this daily routine though.  The routine of being a cancer patient.  It hurts to type those words even.  I feel my eyes swelling up and a lump grows in my throat just getting those words in text.  With that said, I guess some clarification is needed.  I will not ever allow this to be my normal, no one should.  I found myself this Monday morning waking up as though this is my new life.  Just another start to another week.  More appointments and treatments.  Have I began to treat this as my career?  I am limited in what I can do physically to keep my mind occupied through out the day, just due to nature of type of cancer I have, but still, thats no excuse.  I find myself almost letting the disease drive the bus for a while, which a while back, I thought would be ideal.  Just get into the routine of treatment and go with the flow.  I am not sure thats so much what I need, atleast not sure thats what my mind needs.  No one has to accept cancer, or the diagnosis they are given.  You dont have to look far in any part of society to realize that numbers and stats do lie, or atleast they are not always right.  Maybe they dont lie, but they certainly decieve and mislead.

I am not ready to let anyone else drive this short bus full of crazy besides me.  It may be easier to just sit back and let someone, but that wouldnt be true to character; however a proactive approach, spearheaded by yours truly would seem a bit more true to form.  Now I am not going rewrite any books on medicine, but I'll be damned if I am gonna let this single battle shape and define my life or who I am, no matter how siginifcant this battle is.

There is some question that lingers in my mind as to what my new "normal" will be.  Time will tell.  Thats the new anticipation I suppose.  Before we searched for a diagnosis, then we sought an effective approach to treatment.  Now with those two objectives passified for now, I find my mind wandering to the next question, which is "whats next".  I dont think anyone knows, it is truly a day to day situation.  I have however accepted that my new "normal" will not be the same as my old.  Thats not terrible, but simply different.  I will have some different limitations I am sure.  I dont remember what normal is.  Its not this, I know that much.  This has got to make us all better though in the long run I would imagine.  Life couldn't have brought me this far just to drop me on my head.  There is a plan in store that is going to make us all better people and peers to one another when the dust settles, I am certain.

I have to get around and get to my shot's this morning..... keep the support coming.  Its been amazing, and so welcome.  There are times that are tough, but it doesnt take long to find someone to lean on for support and guide me through, even when they dont realize they are.

-IM OUT

progress?

We went to Dr. Paloyan's wednesday, it was quite positive.  I got some medications adjusted, got a good nights sleep, and had a fantastic Thursday, great dinner with wife, mom and dad.  Friday was not too bad, was a bit sore, but got out and about again with stacy, lilli, mom and dad, enjoyed the day.  Actually swallowed my pride and rode a power scooter around Sam's club.  Spent most of today nursing a pretty sore lower back.  The leg pain and weekness seems to be under control, but the back is really hindering movement and mobility as of lately.  I am early in this round of treatments though, and am very eager to get a few more under my belt.  There is also a procedure we are considering where they can inject a "bone cement" into the cancer affected areas of my spine, primarly my lower back, sacrum.  The injection will then give that weakened area a bit more integrity.  We are considering this, and may even do this very soon.  My spine is riddles with tumors, but there are two primary areas that cause me pain, and those would be the focus.  These two areas already have "multiple stress fractors", so hopefully we can get that under control asap.

I am better this week than I was last week, so... thats progress in anyones book.  Its easy to get overwhelmed with these symptons that just pop up.  Its so difficult to put into words, other than, its just plain weird.  Nothings right, nothings normal, nor will it ever be again.  Thats a reality that set in as of recently.  I dont know what normal feels like, and probably never will again.  Thats ok though.  A coach in high school used to say .... "remember who you are, where you come from and who loves ya"..... that couldnt ring more true.

Some fantastic basketball on the television as of lately, so can't complain there... good food around as well... life aint bad!

Grandpa Bill's back on track and we will be car pooling to chemo on Wednesday... I am not sure if that clinic is ready for this duo.  I think I may even have a full day with NO appointments and no shots next week, give my crew a bit of a break.  Thank you soo much to everyone, especially my dad, TK and my wife, Stacy... I have no idea what I would do without you guys...truly.

- I got nothing -

I just woke up from the afternoon nap to see Ohio State bury a last second long shot to win over Michigan... and this is who your money's going on Andy?

Anyway, speaking of Andy... got a nice email this morning from him, not uncommon as of late... this morning's email was telling me how everywhere he goes people were asking about how I was doing, because they knew I had contact with him.  It really amazes me how much support is out there.  I was taking said nap above, and was planning on getting on here to write a fancy little blog post full of adjectives to express my heart felt feelings of thanks and gratitude.  When it comes down to it, I really have nothing more that I can say other than thank you!

I really cannot imagine going through this without everyone.  I hear stories of people new to town or just moved to the area, not familier with anyone or anything for thousands of miles.  I just cant imagine.  I look at my day to day life over the past 60 days, and I just cant imagine one day with out my dad, wife, mom and all the others their to help and get things taken care of.  They have given me the best chance I could ever have to kick this thing, and thats such an amazing gift.  Its gotta be getting old, but I have to keep saying it, thank you!

Sooo... thats about all I got for today.  I was gonna get really deep and blow your minds with some verbal voodoo through the keyboard..... but then that damn last second shot from Andy's Buckeyes through my narrow train of thought wide left.