focus now

I am not making this up, but a side effect of the treatments I am enduring right now is lack of focus or lack of the ability to dedicate attention to certain tasks, such as reading, writing etc.  I have found this to be so true.  It all comes back to fatigue and exhaustion.  My Aunt Ann, who was on same main treatments I am on expirienced the same, which was reassuring.  Its always nice to know that, although everyone is diffeerent, I am not alone in this.  I was a bit scatter brained to begin with.  I was always writing myself notes on scratch paper, but I am now more than ever, and hardly ever seem to get anything I write down done.

So anyway, thats my excuse for lack of blog postings and such.  Please do not take it personal.  Keep the messages and support coming.

These blogs, for whatever reason, end up being about medications and the battle with those that I am facing.  Unfortunatly, that has become my life recently

The ongoing battle for balance continues.  I feel its the one constant that will remain through out this fight.  I think I mentioned it before.  Daily its as though I wake up and evaluate the situation, usually with the same response of "now... what the hell is this thats acting up?"  The balancing comes into place with medications ofcourse.  Too many of these cause weakness, but not enough and there is pain... you learn the difference real soon.  The same goes for other drugs, with opposite effects.  Also, its time that I wean off of some and move onto others, and the transitions are never smooth it seems.

There is sooo much technical jargin that goes with all this medication, its nearly a fulltime job staying on top of it all.  A new drug was introduced today to help restore bone integrity and steriods were reduced again, to help with same deal.  We have paper work, charts we make to keep track of it all, I still am confused.  I had chemo again today.  Thats a bitter sweet moment.  I know it will hand me a handfull of struggle, but relief seems to come from it as well, so thats a good thing.

Can not thank my dad, ol TK, enough.  Its been a tough week as I have had some tough bouts with pain and weekness, and we, should I say, he, managed to get alot down for me, and with me.  Ofcourse, Stacy... I would have no idea where I would be without her here for me.  Everyone's support comes in and fills in any loose seams and voids here and their, making it a bit easier.

I think I need to get off of here and onto to something more like pudding, maybe a milkshake?  These are my latest kicks.  Oatmeal too.  I have instants, for the quick fix, or the old fashioned hand made larger original versions.  Its acutally just like my pain meds, I have the original long lasting, good stuff, or the fast acting "instant reliefs"....  I think soo... pudding it is.

I will try to see if I can keep up on this thing a bit better than I have.  Anyone know where the Cubs have been this year?  4-4 aint horrible, but come on.... I still have hope... we'll see.  Go Tigers!

TGIF

Last week through me a bit of a curve as far as pain goes.  By weeks end, it was to the point that Dr. Paloyan ordered some blood work, hooked me up to some nutrients via IV... and when was all said and done, ordered a new set of MRI's.  Due to the fact that my legs where quite weak, it was thought to be best to do the MRI's as inpatient, therefore I was admitted to the hospital friday afternoon, overnight until saturday afternoon.The MRI's were ordered to rule out any spinal cord compression, causing the recent pain and leg issues.  Good news, was that there is no issues with the spinal cord.  They have boiled the weakness and pain down once again to medications and their side effects.  We are working on that as well.  There is sooo much going on, between the medications and treatments its hard telling what causes what.  I could bore you with the details but I wont.  We have also started physical therapy at home, and will start an out patient therapy program as well.

Mean while.... this past week Grandpa Bill was in a battle of his own.  Same time I was dealing with my issues, he was battling an infection, the same one he was a few weeks back.  It flared up again and landed him back in the hospital.  Also just so happened friday was his birthday as well, an I wouldnt miss that party for anything!  We had rooms right next to each other, although, visiting was not much of an option with our conditions.   Even more ironic, is the procedure he had to have was on the other end of the hospital, main floor, right next to where I had mine, at the same time.  Its just unfortunate tha tthe circumstances with the infection and such, prohibited much contact between all of us.  He was in "isolation"... which we had to honor in hopes of getting him better and preventing my from getting ill.  We snuck this pic at the end of our stay.

Its been a bit of a mental struggle as of lately, keeping up and up.  It really is no different today than it was fighting this 2 weeks ago.  Everyday offers a different challenge than the day before, bit its nothing that cant be over came.  Its simply something that I just need to find a balance of and take it on.  Its hard not being able to do the simple things in life.  I guess its just one of those things where I need to swallow my pride and get admit that I may need help, or assistance, as humbling as that may be.    Keeping focused on things has been the biggest challange as of lately, and my Aunt Ann could relate, saying the same thing.  Simply reading magazines or writing these blogs take alot of focus that I just dont seem to have some times.  BARE WITH ME.  They call it "Chemo- Brain"....  My Aunt Ann, having been through this before, lent me words of advice saying chemo is not going kill me, and it wont.  I just need to accept that for the next few weeks, months, I wont be able to do the things I want to, or always have with out help, and thats ok.  Fortunatly, I have people there that are willing to help.  Its hard for me to take a step back, and let others do thing especially with weather the way it is right now.  Its gorgeous out, but we will get through this.  There is no other option.

Keep the positives coming...I love and appreciate the support.  It helps more than I can express.

Time for me to do the exercises... post away, and I will try to keep up to date.

UPdate

Just a breif update.  Been working on the pain management and think we may have that in our grasps.  All and all its been tolerable, and I am able to get through the day without too much trouble.  Each day I seem to figure out a new trick to managing the day.  The radiation, chemotherapy and medication all seem to be having a positive effect just upon phyiscal examinations and such.  The ablation procedure perfromed by Dr. Jordan a few weeks back seemed to have a very good effective.  It relieved pain in the area and through out the left leg.  The procedure was done in the left Iliac wing... (left lower back/hip area).  At that time of the ablation I guess they took a biopsy, which resulted in showing no active cancer cells where those particular lesions were.  Whatever that means, its gotta be better than the opposite.  Ofcourse this is just for that area, and their are plenty of other areas through out my body that are active, but none the less, thats good news, and the fact that the ablation was pain relieving, is reassuring.  In a few weeks I will determine weather or not to procede with some more ablation, after we go through another set of MRI's.

Thats about it for now.  More chemo next week and just pluggin away until then.  The side effects are a bit more noticeable but like I have said before, its all part of it, ya gotta take the good with the bad.

Thanks to all again and again for all that you have done for us.  The food, the visists, messages, etc...

On a side note, please keep my Grandpa in your thoughts and prayers as well, he is going through his own battle and the treatments seem to have a bit more of a toll on him as of lately.  Love that guy.

One Thing

Through all the treatments, its very common to loose a sense of taste, or difference in taste.  Everything ends up tasting the same.  Everything tastes salty to me.... EXCEPT MILKSHAKES.  A good old chocalate mileshake still tastes like a good old chocalate milkshake, and thank god for that.  Being spoiled like I have been as of latley, Stacy just served me one that was about a half gallon, and I now find myself trying to stay awake for the second half of this suprisingly good basketball game.

-V.A.F.-

Stacy poured a cup of coffee for me as I logged on the wireless network, watching CBS's Sunday morning, a ritual.  I was going to get on here and post some "hot rod" related pics and info, something a little lighter than the typical topics of discussion, and a bit more true to my heart and soul.  Believe it or not, there is ALOT more to my life than doctors, medication and cancer.  I have hundreds of photos, info, and articles of Vendetta Auto Fab's work and products, both finished and in progress.  For some reason, I can not access any of these files on the cd's they are stored on.  I just got done praising how lucky I have been with the current laptop I have.  Perhaps that luck has run dry.

I will have to "resolve" this.  Give me some time. 

Mean while, if you are truly interested, there is always some good eye candy in the shop for the auto enthusiasists.  Alot of good conversation if you just like to "bench race".... stop on by, email, call .... send a letter.  See thats the beauty of hot rodders and my shop, we start on a customer / shop terms, and have become great friends.  We can see that the passion is true and genuine, and its easier that way.  Young and old, its great, and probably the greater reward.  There is alot to learn, and it doesnt take long to be humbled by the fascinating stories many have to share.  See, hot rods are not a material thing, they are more an attitude or lifestyle.  Once you grasp that concept the colors of the hobby become much more vivid.  Some of the greatest people I know.

Speaking of which, gotta go meet Dave at the shop so he can drop off a flathead V8 engine for an upcoming project. 

- go sparty-

Its been a couple days since last post I guess.  I have been enjoying the great weather.  Pain management has been a bit of a challenge but I think we are making progress.  The entire process is really overwhelming.  I wish there was a point that you get to where you know thats the quote "turning point", where you knew from there on it would get better... but the truth is, you just dont.  I am confident though we are deffinatly making progress.  Dr. Paloyan has provided such great care for me and my situation, words cannot express the gratitude I have him and his staff.  Lucky to have the people in my life that I have.  Thats for sure.

Once again, medications have been altered, alot... its a chemistry expiriment in my bloodstream, but I cant complain.  Feeling comfortable as of latetly, and doing all I can to get into a routine.  Some precautions I have to take into account with white blood cell counts, chemo and such, but all and all, I can't complain.  Long strory short... if your sick, stay away, ha.  I cant express how much I appreciate the support everyone has provided from top to bottom.  Everyone has reached out to help and alot of levels and it really does help, not only me, but my family.  From messages of hope on here to, house hold chores or meals getting cooked...etc.  I never knew some of my punk friends could cook or step up and be so hospitable.... I am impressed.

I am really looking forward to today and tonight.  Going to enjoy some Final 4 basketball with Lilli and Stacy.  My Spartan's shirt been on since first thing this morning.  All 4 teams deserve to be there, and it should be a great weekend of basketball.

Cubs opener Monday!

There's a gearhead side to me as well, ha... just a little.  Those who share that interest may be interested to know that I have a few things up my sleeve in that realm as well.  The shop is full of neat projects, large and small.  I am blessed with understanding customers.  I have plans for some idle parts, that are not getting put to use.  Those parts will find home in a new project... exciting and low key.  I will keep ya posted.  Vendetta Auto Fab will survive, and like its owner, will be better for it.

OUT

Felt great to get up, out and about this morning.  Although first thing I was quite sore, I talked Dad into bringing 3 dozen donuts over, and we delivered them to the guys at Tigmaster.  Getting out and about in any capacity sure beats sitting in the Lay-Z-boy all day.  I am not sure how much I can do, as I tire real easy, but I cant begin to tell ya how good that feels to get out and socialized a bit... keepin active.  It has been stated before; a balancing act is definatly needed.  Anyone that knows me will tell you that sitting idle is not one of my strong points.  I need to simply need a bit more pain med, more activity, more dedicated rest and less sitting around.  My mental state doesnt allow me to simply sit.

I simply gotta get back into the mindset that I am in control, and not the cancer.  I found myself dangerously close to the point where I was just going to let the disease stear the ship, and allow it to take me where it so desired... NOT HAPPENING.  I didnt get into this game that way, and I sure as hell am not going to allow it to fall into that format.  Dont get me wrong, I respect my opponenent, but am in no way, shape or form am I intimidated by it.  It has thrown some things at me as of lately that are humbling and provided a real reality check, but so be it, I am still here and will be tomorrow.

Listen... I cannot and will not let the cancer run my life, period.  I said that Feb 4th, and will continue to remind myself of that each day!  Thats as plain english as I can put it.  I have too much to live for to allow otherwise.

All and all... I think my ol dog LOU has the right idea for right now, a little break, then maybe back at it.